Pacific Cascades Area
AFS Intercultural Programs

AFS is the leading high school foreign exchange program, with opportunities to live and study in over 50 countries worldwide. 

SOME THOUGHTS AS YOU PREPARE FOR YOUR CHILD’ S RETURN

Many questions come up as you near the time of your child’s return from their stay abroad. Such questions as: Will my child be the same? Will he/she feel at home again? While there are no set answers to questions such as these, there are some things you can do to make the adjustment easier. The one thing to remember is that if such problems arise, how those problems are solved often depends on constant and patient dialogue within each family. Parents should not assume that their child will definitely have major problems readjusting. On the other hand, readjustment problems are not uncommon. Therefore, it may be reassuring and helpful to take a quick look at what your children have experienced and what they may be experiencing as they return home.

The student has spent a complete year or semester in their host culture, taking his or her own cultural modes of thinking, acting, and feeling along too. The student’s ways of thinking, acting, and feeling will change during the stay abroad, of course. But it is equally important to keep in mind that the student, while away, is NOT participating in the home culture. Life, of course, continues on as usual for the parents and friends who remain in the home culture. Except for information from letters, emails, and calls, they have had little or no contact with the home culture. Thus, the possibility arises of misunderstandings between the student and the natural family.

There are three important areas of possible conflict where different attitudes between parents and their children can be distinguished: customs, emotions, and maturity. Let’s talk about customs first.

While growing up in his or her own culture, the student behaves in a way that is in keeping with the customs of that culture. This includes manners, pastimes, clothing, and other traditions. Suddenly, after a short flight, the student finds him/herself in a new country. In the new country the student continues to behave the same as at home, since that is the only way of behaving that she/ he knows. However, everyone in the host country behaves differently, according to the customs that were well established prior to the student’s arrival. Slowly, the student adopts more and more of these behaviors and customs so as to feel comfortable in the new surroundings. This is called simply, “adaptation to the new culture.”

Exactly the same thing occurs upon return to the home community: after a flight of a few hours, the student finds her/himself again back home. Here everyone’s behavior is different from the student’s, at least from his or her behavior over the past year or semester. Everyone has, of course, continued to behave in accordance with the customs of the home culture during the student’s absence. Back in the home culture, the student at first continues to behave much the same as in the host country, since she/ he more or less adapted to the customs of the hosts. This, of course, is somewhat shocking to the natural parents, since they tend to expect their child to return behaving similarly to the way he/she behaved before leaving.

Before long, the student is able to regain the old customs and behaviors, although it is likely that he/she will retain to some extent a few of the customs and behaviors of the host country. On the whole, however, “readaptation” does occur.

We all have small, daily emotional ups-and-downs. For teenagers, especially, these ups-and-downs are an important feature in the course of their normal development. Because of the excitement of the AFS experience. big emotional ups-and-downs will be added. This cycle of exaggerated emotional ups- and-downs starts with the acceptance of the student into the AFS program and continues through preparation, orientation, and departure.

After a short flight, the student is in a new cultural environment and among strangers. The student’s first weeks or months in the culture are difficult ones, often marked by emotional turmoil. By mid-experience, however, most students have settled down and are leading a more normal emotional life. Again, however, near the end of the experience in the host country, the students may undergo exaggerated emotional swings as he/she contemplates leaving the new family and friends and returning home.

After another short flight, the student is back in the old cultural environment and among friends and loved ones from whom he/she has been absent for a semester or full year. The experience of leaving and returning home can be trying, even for mature students. It is only reasonable to expect that the student will be undergoing unusual emotional swings for some time after the return home. But gradually he/she can be expected to return to normal. Natural parents have not been able to share their child’s experiences abroad, nor to witness these emotional swings, so being prepared for them when the student returns home is important. The natural family should expect to help their child through some of these unusual and emotional crises during the first few weeks or months after their return home.

As parents, you set limits for your children and guide their growth and maturation from the moment they are born. Of course, as they gradually develop their own abilities and personalities, they become less and less dependent upon your guidance. Nevertheless, even when your children are 16, 17, or 18 years old, you continue to play some role in guiding them and setting limits. You may not necessarily give them specific prohibitions or directions, but they know your expectations and they continue to take these into account, if for no other reason than that they are still living under your roof.

The student goes abroad and almost immediately takes up residence with a new set of parents. Although exceptions do occur, it is generally true that AFS students from the US have fewer limitations placed on their behavior by host parents than by natural parents. Furthermore, as a result of having to face and cope with a wide variety of new challenges in the host family and community, the student matures more rapidly that she/he would have otherwise and consequently is in need of less guidance from parental figures. Meanwhile, in their minds, the natural parents are imagining that the extent of the limits and guidance is continuing more or less as it had been at the time the student departed.

At the end of the experience, the student returns to his/her natural family. The student returns home more knowledgeable, more skilled, more mature, and with a wider perspective on the world and the probable course of her/his life. The guidelines favored by the parents are too restrictive from the point of view of the student. In fact, some of the behaviors of the student maybe entirely foreign to the parents and not even contemplated in their guidelines. In any case, it is almost inevitable that there will be disagreement or even conflict between the returned student and the natural parents over the extent of the guidance and limits that they expect to impose on their child.

The solution usually lies in working together open-mindedly on this problem. Parents need to realize that they have a more mature and competent daughter or son than the person that left a semester or year ago. Returnees must expect that their parents have values and standards that cannot be easily changed, and that are in harmony with the general values and standards of the home culture. Constant dialogue and a willingness to understand and compromise will be useful in reaching a workable solution to this problem.

We have attempted to isolate three different problem areas associated with the return of a student to his/her natural parents and home community. The situation is a complex one…

In the real world, of course, everything comes together—changing customs and behavior, emotional ups-and-downs, increasing maturity and competence. When you put these all together you have a confusing picture. This adequately represents how many AFS students feel during their first days or weeks following their return home---CONFUSED!

Don’t forget, however, that the first days or weeks after your child’s return may be confusing and difficult for you, too. Perhaps the most important thing for you, as natural parents to remember is this: YOUR CHILD IS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MUST GO THROUGH A READJUSTMENT PROCESS FOLLOWING HIS/HER RETURN. YOU SHOULD EXPECT TO GO THROUGH A READJUSTMENT PROCESS ALSO. Your domestic tranquility is not likely to return until both you and your child have learned to accept and deal with one another on new terms. Working out these new terms will require flexibility, constant dialogue, a willingness to imagine yourselves in the other person’s shoes, (that is, empathy), and a readiness to compromise. Difficult though this may be, it is probable that, two or three years from now (or sooner), YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID!

Adapted from Orientation Handbook, First Edition…Dr. Cornelius Grove and the AFS Development Department

.For More Information, go to AFS National website, www.afs.org/usa or call 1-800-AFS-INFO to talk to a live person. You can also email the AFS Pacific Cascades Area team at info@afscascades.org to find out how local volunteers can help you.

Last revision November 5, 2006